Features | 10 Housemates from Hell

Features | 10 Housemates from Hell

Sharing a house with your fellow students can be beautiful. However, some housemates have habits that can’t be forgiven.

 

You’re finally out of halls and have been released into the wilderness of Hyde Park, Headingley or Woodhouse. After signing for a house after only knowing your prospective housemates for only a three months or so, you’re not quite sure what you’ve let yourself in for. You soon realise sharing a house is very different from halls, whether for the better or the worse. Here is just a selection of some of the interesting types of housemates you may encounter.

 

1) The Filth Goblin

The sink is FULL. The draining board is FULL. The work top surfaces are strewn with Heinz Spaghetti Hoops. The mess is all one person, who never tidies up, when it is tea time, the filth goblin rummages through the cupboards and uses his flatmates utensils, because theirs are currently forming their own Jenga tower- no one knows when it will fall… so lock your cupboards and pray it doesn’t collapse/get bigger.

 

2) The One That Has Really Loud Sex

The walls are paper thin but even if you had a concrete bunker, three floor levels, insulation, headphones and a working drill you would still be able to hear them. The ridiculously (and presumably fake) moans which emit from this housemate from hell sound as if they are in pain. The relentless banging of furniture is like a dull never ceasing headache. How can you concentrate when this housemate gets lucky? Leaving is the only solution to escape it.

 

3) The Wannabe DJ

The decks are out, the music is on. Everyone is all for a party, but when this housemate constantly MCs all day, everyday, you reach your limit. You want to go back in time to when electricity wasn’t invented, just so you wouldn’t have to hear ‘mc mike, get on ma bike’… Access to their plug sockets is a necessity.

 

4) The Crasher

The crasher has no concept of the word, quiet. It could be seven am or three am and they will crash through the flat; stomp up and down the corridor, slamming all the doors and cupboards. The crasher is your enemy, especially on an early Sunday morning, when the birds haven’t even got up yet. Ear plugs are required.

 

5) The Smelly One

You know when the smelly one is present as the flat stinks. The stomach turning stench which emits from them and the toilet burns your eyes and all the useable oxygen in the room. Even a firmly shut door can’t stop this. Attack with Frebreeze, Oust, scented candles… anything will smell better than that.

 

6) The Game Drinkers

A terrible breed of drinkers, who watch obscene films and play drinking rules to it such as take a sip when you see blood (for a Quentin Tarantino film). The night then consists of random shoutings of rules such as “Angry Gandalf” and the rebuttal “No! He’s just serious!”. These quotes soon pale into offensive significance and become violent yelps of irritance. To combat this you can either join them (because its sounds like fun) or politely ask them to please watch a film like a normal human being.

 

7) The Muncher

A communal shopping trip where everyone puts in an equal share of money and have the intention of all eating an equal portion of the food. What a rose-tinted, idyllic vision. It works as long as you don’t live with a muncher. A muncher is someone who will eat ALL the food: five out of six packets of crisps (leaving one so they haven’t eat them all – how generous), one full pack of Philidelphia (leaving the other one between four of you) and, take a portion for two, possible three people at tea. The muncher knows no feelings of fullness, has no concept of sharing and has to be stopped by means of stealth. Hide food in your room, the kitchen, anywhere they will not find it.

 

8) The Invisible One

You only saw them when you moved in at Freshers. They never seem to come out of their room. You presume them to be dead or comatose then you hear weird, absence noises in another language and you pray to god they are shouting at their X-Box and not their imaginary friend Bill. Don’t approach this person as you do not know them, keep your distance but remain friendly, because you never know their intentions.

 

9) The Marigold Messiah

You’ve just finished making your tea. You sit down. You are about to take your first mouthful when the Marigold Messiah comes in. Looking towards your pan, which is naturally soaking in the sink and then at you with a look of abhorrence and disgust. They then rush to the sink, whack the marigolds out and clean the soaking pan and then the entire kitchen, which you were going to tidy up after you had eaten.

Stealing the Marigolds would help, but this could send them on a psychotic warpath, in which you will not win.

 

10) The Shower Over-user

Its Saturday night, time to get ready, you grab your towel, toiletries and clothes leaving your room and making your way to the shared shower, when suddenly you bump into someone. Your flat mate has a towel tucked under their arm, their toiletry bag in their hand, they are waiting, along with the rest of the flat for the shower to become empty. The shower over user spends forever in the shower, taking up all the hot water and stopping the rest of the flat from functioning. As they move from second rinsing to conditioning they remain blissfully unaware that the rest of their flatmates are about to break down the door. To combat such a person, get in there first by any means necessary.

 

Now you’ve seen how to be a Housemate from Hell. However, it’s probably better to talk to your housemates about their messiness or eccentric ways rather than leave passive aggressive post-it notes.

 

Victoria Hesketh

 

 

 

 

 

 

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