100-tonne ‘Glitterberg’ blocks Leeds sewage system

100-tonne ‘Glitterberg’ blocks Leeds sewage system

A huddled mass weighing one hundred tonnes – roughly the weight of a commercial aeroplane – is blocking part of Leeds’ underground sewage network. The Glitterberg is a congealed lump of glitter and Vaseline and is reportedly the first of its kind. The mass, roughly spanning the length of an Olympic-sized pool, is said to contain glitter of all varieties. Having retrieved a sample from the glittery monstrosity, experts have identified fine glitter, chunky glitter, and iridescent glitter within the beastly berg.

Experts have concluded that the mass appears to have grown following a surge in popularity in events at Beaver Works. “Having analysed a sample, we have managed to date most of the glitter back to approximately mid-September. This also coincides with past Beaver Works events such as Flux and Highrise.”

“We believe this is no coincidence.”

The berg also contains traces of Class B drug, ketamine. “We believe this confirms our suspicions that the berg’s creation is directly linked to events such as Flux, which facilitate the use of both glitter and ket.”

We approached experts for a photograph of the grisly, glittery monster, but apparently its shininess can render any witness blind upon sight. When handling the berg, sunglasses are reportedly a necessity. “And even then it’s like the fucking sun on steroids,” said one first-hand witness.

“This really couldn’t have happened anywhere but Leeds.”

We are currently unsure as to how this issue will resolve itself, but we must entertain the possibility that the Glitterberg will be hacked into pieces, repackaged, and resold as ‘vintage glitter’. Edginess in its most extreme form.

The Pigeon will keep you updated as the Glitterberg progresses threw the sewers.

Serena Smith