Cowardly Cawley KOs Kirkland

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LS Sport takes a satirical look at the week’s events…

Jack Wilkinson

It was on October 22 that young football hooligan Aaron Cawley, 21, pleaded guilty to the assault of Sheffield Wednesday goalkeeper Chris Kirkland.
During the 77th minute of the game, in what he claimed was an alcohol fuelled frenzy, he ran on to the pitch and shoved his hands into the keeper’s face, causing him to fall down instantaneously, claiming it felt like he was “hit by a ton of bricks” (Yorkshire Evening Post). He was however, not seriously injured, and is still fit to play.

 
Aaron Cawley, an unemployed labourer and Leeds fan, claims that he was in fact too drunk to remember his actions, after allegedly drinking his way through three quarters of a litre of vodka, seven to ten pints of cider, and a number of cans of lager, throughout the day. He was arrested on Sunday, and must now serve a 16-week jail sentence, as well as an £85 fine. Alongside this, he is also banned for life from Elland Road, the Leeds United football ground. Police officials have also claimed that they are still tracking down other hooligans present at the match.
No matter what your opinion on the subject may be, let’s be honest, this incident, if anything, is a major wake up call for footballers and their fans all over the world. Ever since the sport has had mainstream success footballers have regularly come under harsh criticism for being oversensitive, overpaid wimps.

 
To me, and many other people, this case has proved that there is no longer any dispute that this is true. Any people who have seen the incident first hand, or on the television can see that Kirkland received no more than a slap on the cheek, and a poorly landed one at that.
Given Kirkland’s reputation and his history as an injury prone player arent we all suprised that this slap to the face didn’t lead to a broken leg or possible even liver failure?

 
It comes as a great surprise to all fans of the sport that Kirkland was not sacked then and there for his reaction.
Kirkland is expected to express some regret for his weak reaction this week. Sources close to the player have already claimed that once his glass jaw is fully healed up and he is ready to speak again an announcement can be expected.
It was obvious to everyone watching the game that he had provoked the crowd deliberately before hand, saving all of those shots, the nuisance.
If anything, Crawley deserves a reward for his actions, and let’s face it, if he hadn’t been the one to punch Kirkland, someone else would have.
Though Crawley’s methods may have been disputable, his actions were the justice that was needed. footballers around the world need to man up.
Several clubs have already pledged to take on the “Cawley Method”, ex-Chelsea manager José Mourinho has claimed to have been using the practice for years.

 
Managers are calling for a “tough love” approach to be added into football. Typical punishments for any player found to be too cowardly can now include a classic high flying kick courtesey of Eric Cantona or a close intimate tete a tete with Zinedine Zidane.
One club, who wished to remain unnamed, have confirmed their signing of Chuck Norris to the position of “Executive Discipline Coach”. Just look out for the club limping the most come Saturday.

 
However, the ultimate prize for any club really seeking the best disciplinary action will be the signing of Aaron Cawley who will be the most wanted man in English football in just 16 short weeks.
Many clubs have already taken the action of banning Cawley from their grounds so he can’t give his unique brand of coaching brilliance away for free.

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