2. The Secret Rugby Player



Hi, I’m the secret rugby player, and I am here to tell you that there is more to rugby than being ruggedly handsome and built like a brick s**thouse.



Obviously us rugby players are known for being very manly and having no problems with attracting the fairer sex. In fact, some members pride themselves on their success rate on a Wednesday night, Tom Margetson claiming he has had sex with every single member of Women’s Rugby who has ever been to Crasher. However, I am here to tell you that there are certain senior members in the club who are yet to lose their virginity.



Lately, one particular player has been under the spotlight after allegations of his sexual innocence came to the fore, not only a two-time Varsity winner, but a try scorer too. He even got a mention in the Leeds Uni Gossip Girl’s Twitter: “Anon RT: A member of the rugby first team and try scorer at varsity is a virgin. Not so manly now” – something I personally retweeted. But hold-on, who wouldn’t be turned on by such a decorated gryphon?



Despite the constant banter he receives, he remains upbeat in his search for someone special to hold-on to. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and who knows what he’s got up his sleeve? Having tried Plan A for all 68 of his rugby social trips to Gatecrasher (Bed) so far in his university career, maybe a different chat-up line from “I’ve read all the Harry Potter books” will be used in attempt 69.


Even other clubs have tormented our anonymous virgin for his lack of action off the field. When the first team played away at Loughborough the stadium announcer read out his name as “The Virgin”, which was met by huge laughter from the two thousand strong crowd and even managed to draw a smile from our loveable friend.


Now, all jokes aside, everybody at the club is trying their level best to help him in his quest as his university days are numbered. If you see this desperado in need, give him a helping hand. Look out for the third instalment next week, and I’m sure you’ll see me on campus looking at my arms in car windows, with my uni stash on and protein shaker in hand.

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