I’ll admit, straight off, that I didn’t watch the first episode of Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model, or BINTM as the hashtag encourages. I didn’t even realise that there was an episode before this one until I came to write this. Well I’m just going to assume it was boring and crack right on!
BINTM is a bit wrong. It encourages women to think of themselves on a purely visual level, it puts skinny on a pedestal, encourages viewers to bitch about the contestants and generally lets the sisterhood down…
Speaking of letting the sisterhood down, I have already decided to make Abigail the Girl Who I Immediately Irrationally Hate. I think it’s because she looks like one of the ones off Made In Chelsea; Skaggy or Peppie or Millie or whatever they’re called, and she says mean things.
To make this Viewers’ Guide a bit easier I have compiled a Who’s Who of the contestants.
Abigail: Mean MIC skinny one
Angel: Skinny one
Christina: Zany skinny one
Danielle: Seemingly nice skinny one
Emily: Short haired not so skinny one
Emma: Grinny skinny one
Holly: Irish skinny one
Jessica: Can’t-remember-her-but-will-assume-she’s-skinny one
Lauren: Probably going to win it skinny one
Naomi: Posh skinny one
Saffron: Memorable name skinny one
Sarah: Crying farmer girl skinny one
Sophie: Cheekbones skinny one
The girls’ first task was to dress up as brides and bridesmaids and live out EVERY GIRL’S DREAM (*choke*). Their walking skills were put to the test as they had to walk while wearing clothes in front of people who watched them. It was tense, and the walking was too much for poor Sarah, who cried because she couldn’t walk well enough. Naomi and Angel were crowned the best at walking, and were rewarded with clothes, presumably to wear while walking in the future. A tense day of competition.
Next up was a cover shoot for Company magazine in which Reality TV Goblin (and apparent model) Dannii Minogue shouted vague and confusing instructions at the dazzled contestants. “Look edgy”, “Show us your fun side, but not your funny side”, “Stop trying to be sexy” (Sarah cries some more), “Be more Company Magazine”, “Make your face gooder”. Grinny-skinny Emma won this one, but it might have been because she had a hat to wear, an advantage, I noted, which was not bestowed upon the other girls. Conspiracy?
The first loser was poor old crrrrrrazy Christina, which is sad because she had some fun faces, which I think could have become a running feature in this article.
Guesses for next week
- It’s Makeover Week so someone has a breakdown because she’s forced to have a BOB: the absolute ADOLF HITLER of haircuts.
- Sarah cries some more. Which is fine. She’s still on the adorable side of meek.
- Angel gets a new weave. Less of a guess, more of a fingers crossed.
- Dannii Minogue buys some reeeeeeeaaaalllllly big shoes so she can look average height next to Elle Macpherson. Tyson asks ‘What’s with the stilts Gurl?’ Dannii gets very grumpy and staggers off, hitting her head on a boom mic in the process.
(The next episode is reviewed here)
Words: Jennie Pritchard
Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model is on Sky Living at 9pm on Thursdays