1. Packing up your room at the end of a university year is the best way to awaken the eco-warrior in even the most reluctant of us as we pile up leaflet after leaflet after leaflet to be recycled. Flyering is ruining our planet, people! How can I possibly make my face look any less interested in Subdub? Any tips?
2. The moment you question every decision you’ve made this year: why are there still so many condoms in my room that were free at Freshers? Why did I buy these shoes? What the hell is that stain on my carpet? Have I had damp behind my desk all year? And seriously, why the hell did I pick up a leaflet for Belly Dancing Society?!
3. Packing is a long and tedious process, normally punctuated by dancing around one’s room and tweeting ‘Someone come and pack for me pls. I just wanna curl up in a ball #toomuchstuff’ (yes, that is my tweet). This monotony can only be broken through with an exciting discovery. Whether the gem you find under your bed is £25 or the shirt you lost in December; revel in it, because I promise you’ll soon be losing something else in your haul of suitcases and boxes.
4. The amount of pointlessly useful junk you’ve accumulated over the year calls for a game of tetris in the boot of your car. You’re too stressed to even contemplate doing this move in two journeys and something is going to have to be sacrificed. Logic tells you it’s between the cardboard cut-out of Justin Bieber (a not so funny birthday present) and the inflatable crocodile lilo used for a drunken voyage over the Roger Stevens fountains. Which is more important? There’s only one way to find out… Fiiiiiight!
5. Was it some kind of cruel joke to put results day on July 1st, Leeds Uni? As if moving day wasn’t stressful enough already…
6. Instead of actually cleaning plates and pans, you do the ever-so logical thing and throw them away. Because you know, buying cheap Wilkinsons kitchenware for the second or third time trumps removing those stubborn green stains. And don’t get me started on that pungent musk of old tea and pasta sauce.
7. While moving in you unpack your books into perfect alphabetical order and organise your cutlery into categories. Your whiteboard is ready for September to fill it with To Dos and your new desk is prepared for assignment time. Because this year is going to be different. This year you are going to Get Organised. Let me know how long that lasts, yeah?
8. Within the first week of moving in, the best elements of your new lease will be found and celebrated. You discover a time-defying short-cut to campus through a Hyde Park alleyway down which you’re only 85% sure you’ll get mugged. Like an Ibiza (or more Benidorm…) of takeaways, Hyde Park offers a strip of Chinese, Indian and pizza shops that are sure to make Just Eat continuously thank you for not cooking. And of course there is the park of Hyde itself, offering a sun-kissed sanctuary of barbeques and ‘banter’, whilst becoming a hub of dark and grisly tales at night.
9. As the ancient curse of student houses dictates, it is impossible for all bedrooms to have the same amount of space, natural light or unstained carpet. This means that bedroom envy is a predictable part of moving into a new pad. It is vital to dispel these tensions immediately, because falling out so early in your lease will definitely lead to housemates passive-aggressively ‘storing some shoes in your room, since, you know, you do have the extra space after all’.
10. There comes a blissful moment at the end of all of this when parents have finally left, you have added zest and life to another beige bedroom for another year and you’ve really made it your own with an array of pretentious posters, zany club leaflets and ironic pin-ups plastered on the walls. House-warming awaits you with drunken arms, because it really isn’t home until there’s vomit sprayed on the walls. Modern Art, right?