(please note, opinions voiced here are ENTIRELY satirical)
I am writing to you in support, during these troubled times. I am confident that you have the strength to recover from the rift that has occurred between you and the students of Leeds. In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., ‘the ultimate measure of a man…is where he stands at times of challenge and controversy’. And that’s why I stand by you, despite the criticism rapidly mounting in your disfavour. It seems like there is no one else to fight for the noble values of ‘hedonism and debauchery’; values you have stood by for years.
I want to thank you for encouraging us to show off our bodies. You promote a unique brand of body confidence. There was a time when women thought that crop tops and tight disco pants would be enough to get a man’s attention. But you’ve upped the standards, with all sorts of innovative methods to stand out from the crowd. You’ve liberated us with your cages, stripper poles, and body shots. You have encouraged us to bare our naked breasts in public to be doused in whipped cream and strangers’ saliva. You have even made us stars, by videoing the whole affair; porn stars, that is, and the lowest paid in Yorkshire.
Once, we might have even suspected that we had a choice in whether or not to consent to sex. I suppose getting the vote went to our heads. I want to thank Tequila for playing such an active role in dispelling this rumour. Now, young females who have just started university will know unequivocally that they can expect a healthy dose of ‘violation’ during their initiation weeks.
If only I’d known I had this to look forward to, I would have been so much less apprehensive about coming to university.
And you haven’t just expanded the minds of us ladies. Oh no. You’ve given our male counterparts a helping hand as well. The issue we once struggled with, you will appreciate, is that male students, ten Jagerbombs down, can be incredibly backward in coming forward. As much as they clearly ‘want the V’, they stubbornly remained their polite chivalrous selves, walking us home in the early hours and relentlessly asking us to meet our parents.
But with your encouragement, male students in Leeds have increasingly began to see the light. Through the positive role models you provide in your promotional videos, men are learning how to be men. I particularly enjoyed the witty chap in your last video- you know who I meant- the one who assured the blushing nymph beside him that she was, in no uncertain terms, ‘going to get raped’. I do love a man who takes control.
Ultimately, you have bred a bunch of hearty, virile LADs who know that ‘no means yes’, that short skirts are synonymous with an ‘Enter’ sign and that, if we do end up a little too drunk and under their protection, it’s all in the name of a good violation.
So thank you, Tequila. For everything.