I believe that hours spent in the library are as directly related to degree success as Prince Harry is to his father, Charles. Those evenings jacked up on Red Bull, sitting alone in wooden box like you’re David Blaine, old wine or a woodland creature, are so essential that sometimes I just go in there and sit, acquiring knowledge purely through proximity to so many hard and soft backed books.
Whatever your reason for being at the library, the benefits are clear. Just as the guy who has put in the hours at the gym can swagger around campus, protein shake in hand with his tight shirt and bulging muscles, so too can the avid library goer. After a couple of nights on level 13 I too have been seen to swagger around campus in my own tight shirt, brain muscle visibly bulging. And what’s that in my hand I hear you ask? Not protein shake, it’s cod liver oil of course; proven to give your brain all 3 Omegas it needs after a tough sesh (Mail Online, 2011).
However there are certain rules in the library that I feel need to be formally laid out (and I will not apologies if the following rules are in fact already formally laid out in the student handbook because I did not read the student handbook).
Firstly: talking in the lifts is strictly prohibited. Even if it is just you and your best friend in there, the sanctity of lift silence must be adhered to. So too must the eyes forward policy, the no looking in the mirror despite everyone wanting to policy and the no going less than three floors at a time policy (obviously with the exception of the disabled but very much with the inclusion of the dyslexic).
Secondly: talking is prohibited in all, and or any, languages. Just because the people around you do not know what the French is for shhh doesn’t mean that they are not thinking it.
Thirdly I have some policies that I believe are not already, but should immediately be, implemented. For example the Buzzfeed Wet Willie policy, whereby anyone is permitted to lick their finger and put it in the ear of anyone they see on Buzzfeed. The Foot Touch policy, whereby both parties, after an accidental under-desk foot touch, should lean under said desk and formally exchange apologies for the obvious invasion of privacy. And lastly, but highest on my personal agenda, the Pube Track policy, where the IT helpdesk is transformed into a DNA lab where any pubic hairs found in books can be tested and the culprit administered a high voltage electric shock next time they scan into the library.
Don’t let us turn a blind eye to these key issues in the same way we all ignore the able-bodies students pooing in the disabled loo on level 13 because they don’t want to go down one floor. Lets all stand up with one voice, implement these simple changes, and once more make the Leeds student library a great place for a mental set of squat thrusts.