**WARNING contains fake spoilers for Game of Thrones season 4 and possibly real spoilers for Game of Thrones seasons 1-3. But to be honest, if you’ve made this this far without knowing the spoilers for series 1-3, you should probably just never be on the internet.**
Everyone is talking about Game of Thrones. People who have read the books await the new series with glee.TV critics are predicting making their predictions: which characters will we meet? Who will we love, who will we hate? Will there be more massacres? Probably.
Amongst all this expert opinion, what LSi thought we really needed was a set of predictions from someone who will never read the books, who didn’t really pay enough attention to the past three series, and who watched it all over dodgy streaming websites so missed great swathes of action which took part in the dark (low res = dark shapes on black screen + sadness.)
So here it is, a badly-researched and spoiler-free projection of what we can expect from the world’s most high-budget, intricately plotted porno which also features dragons.
1) You don’t need to watch more than 2 minutes of GoT to know that THERE WILL BE BOOBS. But only women’s boobs, it’s sexist like that.
2) There will be no penises… Maybe Hodor’s.
3) Joffrey will retire from being king, telling the papers “It’s just got too much, dude. I’ve always got to be this role model to kids and it’s so much pressure, let the J-man be the J-man, y’know?”
4) Joffrey returns to kinging after two days. His comeback tour is a huge success.
5) Tyrion begins a campaign to run for President of the United States in 2016 and has an approval rating of 600% because he’s awesome.
6) Daenerys gets really pissed off about the fact that everyone calls her “the hot dragon woman” online and has her dragons burn down the patriarchy.
7) That guy who really loves the Khaleesi has her rendered as an A.I. operating system and they strike up an unlikely relationship.
8) Jon Snow goes to King’s Landing and gets very sunburned and the Ginger Girl criticises his lack of knowledge about UV rays.
9) Arya and The Hound basically recreate Adventure Time. Arya learns a lot about herself and those around her and we all grow as people.
10) Sansa has enough of this sh**.
11) Sneaky Mr. Littlefinger is an online sensation with his YouTube channel, in which undercover cameras film his devious exploits. At the end of each episode he does his catchphrase “You just got LittleFINGERED” while the subject gets brutally murdered. MTV commission a 22 episode run.
12) Peter Dinklage marries me
14) Ignore that.
15) Loads of people die. We cry.
Tune in to Sky Atlantic on Monday at 2am to watch the Season 4 opener. Or don’t be so stupid, get some rest, it’s repeated at 9pm you silly goose.