Ode to Autumn

Put away your Birkenstocks,let down that artful top-knot, guys and gals, because summer is dead. Let us welcome in the glorious rule of Autumn.

Rather than mourning the loss of sunny days and the imminent arrival of a sky-high heating bill, consider all the reasons why Autumn is the cool, friendly alternative to the showy, tacky ordeal of Summer.

Notice all those selfies of people OUTSIDE in the SUN? Literally OUTSIDE! No? That’s because with summer gone, there’s a lot less stuff to instagram. No more, holidays, beaches, suntanned legs, outdoor cocktails, barbecues. You’re no longer subjected to all those images reminding you that you’re inadequate and miserable, toiling away at your minimum-wage summer job in the blazing heat, trying to cobble together enough money to fend off starvation until Christmas. Instead you have nice pictures of fallen leaves. You can do that, just take a picture of the floor. For an instant blast of autumnal fun to share with everyone, simply instagram your cup of tea. Cosy bonfires? Set fire to some shit. Snap.

People are also more inclined to keep stuff indoors. If, like me, you are an embittered and cynical hag, the sight of couples getting off in the park sends you into a whirlwind of rage. Nothing prompts a violent tantrum like groups of friends smoking weed and playing frisbee in front of my very eyes. But now the ground is soggy and any outdoor drug-taking requires, at the very least, a cardigan. And who wants to get high in a cardigan? No one.

If you’re attractive and slim, summer is a breeze. A sexy, denim hotpant-clad breeze. But for those of us who aren’t American Apparel models, every warm day is a nightmare of organisation and body dysmorphia. Can’t wear that top, by 3 o’clock it will be entirely sweat patches. Those shorts? Only if you want camel toe and for your labia to go numb if you sit down for more than 20 minutes. Everything skimpy is too humiliating. Everything which covers more than your torso will smother you until you pass out from overheating. Men have it slightly easier, your options are  a t-shirt and some shorts. But smoulder in fury under your oppressive cotton at that topless guy with his muscle tone and elevated public confidence. Fuck that guy.

Autumn gives us the sartorial diversity that can please everyone. If summer style is still your thing, just add tights. Want a bit more cover-up? Autumn means layers, glorious layers. And jumpers! Everyone looks sexy in a jumper. The shoes! So many shoes to wear, with the added benefit of a sharp reduction in how much your feet stink. Ladies, throw away that razor until May, when your legs emerge from their perpetual hibernation. Fellas, don’t you worry about that body hair you’re so conscious of in summer, in Autumn it protects you from the bitter cold, while that fucking topless guy with his fucking pecks freezes to death.

Get yourself a new favourite time of year. Autumn’s got your back. Autumn wants you to put gravy on your chips. Autumn is there for you when you just want to stay inside and watch Netflix. Autumn won’t make you feel guilty with its enticing sunshine. Let’s hear it for Autumn, the season of the people. Quick, before people put up pictures of their superior Christmas decorations on Facebook, and the whole thing starts again.

Jen Pritchard

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