It’s an exciting time, this. It’s a new year, a new term, a new start. This time of year is great for updating your outlook, and making some changes for the future.
Alas, for me, the whole New Year’s Resolution thing is ruined by the fact that I’m already really fantastic. There is literally nothing about myself or my life that I need to change to ensure an overwhelmingly successful 2015. Essentially, I’m just perfect. But I’ll tell you who isn’t: everyone else.
So in order to take part in all the fun of New Year’s Resolving, I’ve compiled a nifty list of – incredibly reasonable – things everyone else can do to improve my life this 2015. Follow my advice and, while your own life might not necessarily improve, I promise you it will make the world of difference to me.
Make 2015 the year you stop saying “I’m not racist / sexist but…”
Why are people still doing this? Stop it. Nobody believes you.
Take better care of your bins.
My daily commute through the streets of Hyde Park is made considerably more irksome by the wheelie bin apocalypse that reigns down upon us every time it’s windy. Buck up. Love your bins.
Stop liking shit on Facebook that gets all up in my newsfeed.
Goes for Daily Mail articles, statuses beginning “I’m sorry but the fat acceptance movement has to stop…”, all the clickbait, bullshit political memes, stuff The Tab has published, and anything suggesting that Kimmy K is a bad mother for occasionally being naked.
Not for UKIP.
Start tipping bartenders more.
I am one, and if literally everyone does it, some of that sweet, sweet cash will have to wing its way over to me. In fact, to make it simpler, just start tipping me more, guys. For everything. If you see me around, just give me some money. I probably deserve it.
Don’t say “I feel so old” in reference to stuff that happened in the 90s and 00s unless you are literally 70 years old.
OMG said the 21 year old as she scrolled through a buzzfeed of CBBC stars who are now in their thirties, all the while oblivious to the fact that the minutes and seconds of her existence were ticking steadily away.
Stop leaving your stuff all over a desk in the library when you go for your two-hour lunch break.
Are you a sociopath? Honestly, tell me if you are. Because that is the only way I can accept such a flagrant disregard for other human beings. Especially myself. And my housemate who pointed this one out in such a scream of fury that I worried for my safety. So this one counts double.
Work on your spatial awareness.
Because next time you block up the stairs in the Roger Stevens building, hog the pavement, or just stop suddenly to chat to your friend in a doorway, I will just have to run you down like the human juggernaut that I am.