The fifth of November,
The Gunpowder treason and plot;
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot!
Hey remember, remember how shit fireworks night was last year? Me too. Being single can suck at the best of times but we don’t need the couples to take over yet another public holiday. Listen significant others, you can keep your PDA for Valentines Day, Halloween with their couples costumes and Christmas mistletoe but keep your wandering hands off our fireworks night. Kiss on your own time, not when I’m trying to watch a pyrotechnic spectacle. The celebration of the foiling of dastardly anarchist’s, Guy Fawkes, plot to blow up parliament has taken upon a distinctly romantic turn. Excuse me, but the rejoicing of Guy being hung drawn and quartered doesn’t quite scream ‘Romantic Occasion.’ Nonetheless, that doesn’t stop those illuminated silhouettes, joined at the lips from blocking my view. Believe it or not, fireworks night is not just for canoodling. Despite this, a friend of mine recently lamented;
‘Why would you even go to fireworks night if you weren’t in a couple?’
The romantically inclined aren’t going to shame me out of attending this bonfire night. We need to put on a show of solidarity. The fireworks should be the only sparks flying on the 5th of November. In preparation for this weekend, there are a number of simple measures that you can take to make sure your independent singletons firework night goes out with a bang.
1) Wear gloves: you won’t be holding anyone’s hand tonight and November evenings are notoriously chilly.
2) Don’t look down: keep your eyes on the fireworks for fear of catching instances of heavy petting.
3) When that couple next to you are drawing hearts with their sparklers, why not try writing FU in the sky? Magical.
4) Take a cheeky flask of hot chocolate with cinnamon and tequila— You’ll be flying around like a Catherine Wheel in no time. Endorsed by yours truly.
5) Surround yourself with like-minded people. Tell that one friend who trails their partner along with them to every event to ditch them or to take them elsewhere.
6) Who wants to kiss when you can have a sticky Toffee apple in your mouth? (You’re all disgusting) Plus, you would need to carry dental floss with you if you were intending on pulling. So while everyone else is off snogging, you can indulge yourself in sugary deliciousness.
7) If all else fails, listen to a spot of Katy Perry – stop being a sad plastic bag, embrace your independence and you too can be an exploding mass of gunpowder
8) Or I guess you can just stay within the safety of your own home with a few glasses of wine and watch it on TV. Whatever.