The Australian Invasion

With new exchange students arriving in Leeds for the semester, Edmund gives us a satrical insight into what life would be like in Britain if we were taken over by Australians…

Another semester, another wave of Australian exchange students. This time though, things might be different. As Britain tries to negotiate trade deals outside of Europe, including with Australia, it is starting to realise that it isn’t holding many cards. Basically, Australia is angling for relaxed immigration from Australia to Britain.

I thought it high time for a good old fashioned immigration scare campaign. Many of you may not be aware, but there used to a far greater number of Australians frittering about England than there are now. Circa early 2000’s, and Shephard’s Bush was not the gentrified London suburb it is now, it was a hub for Australians who wanted an easy base for staggering around Europe. The situation was so severe, that for many years, Australia’s football team would hold its home friendly matches in Fulham. Go watch the footage from the wonderful England 1-3 Australia in 2003. The stands are packed with marauding Australians, and mind you this was before football was very popular in Australia.

Now I’m not saying it will be like this again, I’m saying it will much worse. Australian shopping conglomerate Westfield has already sunk its claws in. Soon your shopping space will be tiled over with samey white panels, the rents will be spiked and all those quirky English shops with very tight profit margins will be closed as we rob the wealth from your country. Cumberland sausages will be no more. The warehouse group Bunnings is soon to open in England, and with it will come a new age of Aussie snags. If the temperature climbs to the mid 30’s your first thought will be to go outside and cook red meat on the barbeque.

People who drink of the false beer Fosters (brewed in Manchester) will be cast off in prison ships. Carling will be drained in the streets; you will drink VB and Carlton. Marmite will be replaced by Vegemite, your array of charming biscuits will be supplanted by a bunch of samey sugar filled monstrosities. Think your railways are bad? Think again, they’re just not Aussie enough. We’re going to dig them up and change the size of the gauges from county to county; you’ll have to stop at the border just to go from Yorkshire to Lancashire. You will call ‘flip-flops’ thongs and you will forget all popular music. You will listen to AC/DC, INXS, Guy Sebastian and Shannon Noll.

We’ve all but annexed you out of Eurovision, now we’ll take your place in the EU. The night is dark and full of Australians. You made one too many convict jokes England, and now we’re coming for you.

Edmund Goldrick


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