My life in targeted ads

Ever wondered why the internet shows you adverts for things you’re sure you don’t need? Edmund gives us an insight into the life adverts think he should be leading…

The world grows darker. We fret over increased surveillance, the capacity to store our information, and the freakish accuracy of online advertisements. The latter of which is drawn from what can be ascertained of our demographic character and tastes. So I give you, my life, according to targeted ads…

I’m pregnant: Maybe my contraception failed, I got careless, or maybe I’m trying for a family, but It’s trying to sell me pregnancy tests specifically by telling me the percentage accuracy of the tests -probably to make me buy two of the damn things. Right, now how do I use this?

I want to move to Australia: I’m on the run presumably, and need to get back into my own country illegally. False passport in hand, I’m gonna need a visa to return to Australia from my exhange. Seriously, I’m getting visa ads for my own country. But I’ve got a killer haul of gold from the nation’s finest banks, and I need to get back to the bush to lie low, and then buy a mansion by Sydney Harbour. They’ve got me covered there.

My family needs a holiday: I’m a family of four with no taste. Jet2 has targeted me with enticing offers to whisk me, my loving wife, and our two lovely kids off to a hotel with a pool, by a beach. Except that I don’t have a wife, or kids, or want a beach holiday.

I’m Polish: I’m unaware of my heritage. Too much of a scrub to be invited on to ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, targeted ads have me covered. Facebook ads promised me a Polish passport on account of having a Polish grandparent. I don’t have a Polish grandparent, alas.

I’m playing tug of war with men (cough): I’m looking to frolic in the park with strapping young gay men. This targeted ad from Planet Romeo features lots of fit young men, gleefully arranging on app to meet up in the park for a gay old time. There’s bubbles, exercise balls and abs… meet you there in five.

I’m buff, have style, and bartending experience: Two out of three ain’t bad. An exciting employment opportunity for tall, jacked men in bow ties to serve drinks to hen parties and be ogled at in exchange for cash. I have the bartending experience – and a bow tie – but somehow doubt many would pay for me to serve them cocktails with my shirt off…

I’m angling for Royal connections: It’s the only way I can explain the Facebook ad I got for The Royal Hashemite Court of Kind Abdullah II of Jordan. Perhaps they’re trying to convince budding writers and commentators that the King is a jolly good fellow. Jokes on them! I already thought Abdullah II was a top bloke. Though now you all know it too so I guess that ad actually worked. Well played Abs’, well played.

From this pregnant, Hashemite, Polish-Australian, buff, gay, bartender, heterosexual family of four: farewell Leeds, it’s been a blast.

Edmund Goldrick

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