Government approves parents location chipping freshers

The “freshers charter” bill was today given royal assent after becoming law last week. The bill will give parents and guardians the legal right to forcibly “chip” their university inbound sons and daughters to track their location.

The bill comes after a petition that collected over 200,000 signatures prompted debate in parliament. The campaign that organised the petition was run by a group organised on the online parents forum Mumsnet. After Caroline, a “worried mum from Brighton” who “loves red wine and dark chocolate” posted saying she was scared for the safety of her son, Andy, other members agreed and a campaign was launched. Although there was much opposition to the highly controversial law, a slim parliamentary majority was won.

The government backed the bill with home secretary Amber Rudd calling it “another victory in our government’s assault on personal privacy and freedom” adding “we keep getting away with it, regardless of those meddling kids”.

The aptly named “apache helicopter parenting” surveillance law gives parents the right to prevent their children from going to university if the new students refuse to accept chipping. The service will operate through with parents being able to login and track location twenty four hours a day. The government will also have rights to the data of every single user on the website.

The NUS have protested against the new law calling it “backwards, Orwellian and authoritarian”. A spokesperson went onto say that “it’s the least we can come to expect with a government that is forcibly committed to it’s war on students.” When asked to describe the bill in one word a fresher said “clapped” going onto say “Theresa May and my mum can both go do one.” That fresher has asked to remain anonymous.

Christopher Tobin