Theresa May turns to actual plants for Brexit guidance

The Prime Minister today has announced that she has hired a new set of advisers for Brexit negotiations, plants. Actual plants. With leaves. Seemingly another step in the plan to move away from ‘the experts’ Mrs. May has reached out to the plant world to give nuanced feedback on her plants plans for Brexit.

Announcing her hiring Mrs. May said “These plants are strong and stable. They stand the test of time. They will help lead Britain to being strong and stable. Also, they’ve told me that after speaking to the marigolds in Mr. Corbyn’s house that he does indeed sing the USSR national anthem whilst watering them. Can we truly count on a man with such a thirst and craving for Soviet reminiscence?”

An anonymous Tory backbencher said that May has been sitting in the room with the plants for several hours. A secret recording has shown her to be going through random fits of emotion from laughing hysterically to crying. The plants – obviously – seem to be saying nothing back. When a minister could get into the room and ask what on earth was going on May shouted and screamed back “these daffodils don’t blame me for calling a fucking snap election, Boris!”

The Pigeon can confirm that at the time of writing this article most of the plants have withered and died. It seems like the extremity of Mays cold demeanor has frozen and killed the poor buggers. Sad.

Christopher Tobin