Britain can’t handle the cold

This week, immovable object meets irresistible force in what’s sure to be the meteorological event of the millennium. There’s no undercard required to get our pulses racing for this one. Finally, The Beast from the East tussles it out with – the more modestly named – Storm Emma. But who wins this battle to end all battles?

Probably not Britain.

For a relatively small island in the middle of nowhere, Blighty really can’t handle its cold. The only thing that we handle worse than the cold is the sun, a paradox bleakly befitting for a place with such indistinctive and soggy climes. Faced with a far more serious conundrum than our doughy neighbours peeling their tops off to enjoy the 18-degree August sun, the weather in the UK right now is bloody Baltic. And thus, your Snapchat heats up. Everyone’s a weather reporter, including me. I’m having fun and I want everyone to know about it. With snow piling to 50cm and temperatures dropping well below zero, we should ready ourselves for a period of cold hands, cracked lips and wet buttocks as we slip and slide our way to any lectures that inexplicably aren’t cancelled.

It might well be that, for the first time in many of our memories, people are actually being ‘snowed in’. It may not be an excuse this time. Children all over are in a state of dizzy jubilation as thousands of schools close their doors. For them, a day of sledging and turning snow yellow awaits.

As well as stealing school time from our future business leaders, this kind of cold in Britain means that public transport shudders to a halt as buses, planes and trains lay crumpled in the wake of Emma and the Beast from the East. The military-esque ‘red alert’ is issued as the army is summoned in. The roads swell, unable to handle the increased traffic skidding around, with snow chains not having caught on in our country. For a few days, those hoping to travel cross-country will likely be disappointed. They’ll have to wait before they can see Ian from Northern Rail once again add his favourite pasty crumbs to his pleated work trousers. Absence will only make their hearts grow fonder.

And so, Britain sits divided, undecided as to whether snow and cold is a bit of a fun or a lot of hassle. Emma and the Beast watch on, while I sit in my joggers at home and watch it all on Snapchat.

Rory Haworth-Galt 

Photo credit: Pixabay