Yes, You Are Far Too Cool for Fresher’s Week

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Incoming freshers, it is of vital importance that you understand you are much too cool and interesting to get involved with anything Fresher’s Week has to offer. You’ve just got back from that life-affirming gap-yah, and already know LOADS of people in the years above at Leeds. You’re going to go to PROPER nights out and won’t ever be caught at a foam party. I will outline here a few rules and guidelines to ensure that no one will mistake you for one of the actual freshers you’ve spotted still wearing a school leavers’ jumper.
Stay in your halls.

Everyone knows Fresher’s Week is about sitting in the kitchen, regaling your gin-soaked housemates with tried, tested and expanded-upon ‘escapades’: aka people you’ve shagged and places you’ve shagged them in.

Drinking games are booooring.

I mean duhhhh. Does it even need to be said? The only drinking game that’s even remotely fun is asking who’s slept with a teacher or who’s been to BoomTown in Never Have I Ever.

Tell all your wild drug stories very loudly.

Is there anything more impressive/sexually intimidating than the tale of that one time you did a load of acid and thought the grassy field you were sat in was made of hypodermic needles?!

Loudly disparage people who think it’s cool to brag about drugs.

SO, CRINGE! SO DESPERATE! It’s cute though, you’d better take these babies under your wing.

Don’t associate with any other freshers and spend all your time with your mates from home.

You know Leeds. You know The Real Leeds and no halls barbeque can make up for the fact that a girl you’ve hardly spoken to in a year is having a “chill pre’s”.

Societies are for people who can’t make their own friends.

(Can I even think of something sarky to say about this?! Or am I just incredibly bitter that I never joined any?!)

Making friends is for people who haven’t already got ’em.

Your coursemates want to get coffee?! Do they literally have nothing else better to do with their Tuesday afternoon?! Mute the groupchat straightaway and leave it within a month.

The only place worth going all week is Beaverworks and even that is shit.

‘Highrise’ is all you talk about all week. It’s a massive letdown. It’s quite obvious by now that no one else in this shithole city has been to a single jazz-noise techno kundalini awakening in a converted abattoir, or anything even close to it at any point in their oh so lame lives.

Conclusively, I would strongly advise you do NOT involve yourself with any sort of freshers-oriented activity, if you wish to maintain a shred of social standing. Please do bear in mind that any and all regretful activities at this stage of your university career will be documented through Snapchat Stories, private Instagram’s and many, MANY hungover run ins with your flatmates in your kitchen and may directly impact your future here, potentially even resulting in your eventually becoming a PRYZM club promoter.

Molly Amber