As much as we hate to admit it, it seems like people nowadays find themselves pulled towards a bit of relationship drama. Something about the intensity, the uncertainty, the high stakes, even the thrill of the drama feel oddly exciting. Peaceful relationships seem boring and uneventful. Nothing makes our hearts beat faster and the butterflies in our stomach flutter more excitedly than a date that gives us mixed signals. These “rollercoaster” relationships are becoming trendier and trendier: people crave them even though those ups and downs can be nauseating and exhausting. But why? Can’t we simply be satisfied with a partner who doesn’t make us doubt everything?

Let’s take the psychological route. To some of us, calm and peaceful relationships appear dull and boring and that is the result of getting used to environments and people that are chaotic and loud. When your norm is a household, or a friend group that digs the drama, that never silences and has never met a moment of peace in their lives, healthy relationships can feel highly suspicious and wrong.

Surely you have found yourself in a healthy relationship and although at first you feel enlightened— this is what normal relationships should look like— as the weeks go by you begin to feel suffocated. You love being around this person yet you can’t breathe and whenever you have to interact with your partner, you are struck with immense boredom. Where is the spice? Although you really like them and see a future with them, why do you still feel like you’re lacking something? It’s too quiet. What is going on?

Perhaps you’re self sabotaging. Right when you see that a relationship in your life is perfectly healthy, you begin to doubt it. This isn’t what you are used to and only what is unhealthy seems “healthy” to you. You are definitely self sabotaging. You are scared of getting hurt unexpectedly, and right as your romantic life is taking the right turn, you think to yourself “am I about to get screwed over? they are love bombing you, gaslighting, manipulating you, run!”. It gets in your head, and everything nice they do seems more and more suspicious. In a way, the constant influx of relationship buzzwords trains us to see red flags where there are none, pushing us to second-guess every little action. Suddenly, a nice text or thoughtful act feels like a potential ‘love bomb’ or the start of a manipulative scheme, and before we know it, we’re sabotaging our own happiness.

Pause. Take a moment as I am about to ask a very crucial question; has social media ruined us? Or let me phrase this better; has social media ruined love and relationships for us?

All these words: love bombing, gaslighting, ghosting, bread crumbing, soft launch, hard launch, don’t get me started on situationship. Yes, they are all real phenomena that we’ve all experienced and will definitely experience multiple times in the future but I am starting to think that they’re becoming a bit overused. This constant diagnosis causes internet users to feel paranoid, reading into everything their date does and says, overanalysing their facial expressions, the meaning behind their words, the way they said “hey” instead of “heyy”. Are we being robbed of our joy?

On the one hand, at least we’re becoming aware of psychological patterns in people and we are more cautious about who we let into our lives but on the other hand, are we hyperaware? Can we not have something nice without questioning it? It’s as though social media has turned us into these hyper-vigilant detectives, constantly searching for clues that might confirm our worst fears. Sometimes, we even end up manifesting the very problems we’re oh so afraid of; jumping to conclusions, doubting intentions, or even pulling away right as it is getting good. In a world where we’ve been trained to expect the worst, it’s no wonder that healthy relationships can feel suspicious or too good to be true.

So, how do we break free from this seemingly endless cycle of self-sabotage? Maybe the answer lies in reconnecting with ourselves. In the midst of loud noise and mixed signals, it’s so easy to lose sight of what we truly want in a relationship. It’s probably time to trust our instincts and listen to what feels right for us—without second-guessing everything. But at the same time, we must not let ourselves get walked over by a partner. We must remember; healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and care and not on constantly wondering if you’re being manipulated or played.

It’s a fine line, indeed: being open to love and vulnerability, while also being mindful of our boundaries. Let’s allow ourselves to take risks and to be vulnerable, but also to walk away from situations that don’t entirely feel right. After all, relationships don’t have to be a rollercoaster ride of emotions to be meaningful. Because although the ascent might be fun and exciting, the descent is always a steep drop that leaves us exhausted. And when you finally get off the ride, you can’t help but question why you got on in the first place, wondering if the thrill was ever worth the toll it took on you.

Words by Aria Aristotelous

Cover Image Credit: altmodern/Getty Images

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