The Taboo Subject of Virginity at Uni: Why Does it Feel Like a Big Deal?

Starting university can feel overwhelming, especially with the amount of new freedom you gain. Despite this freedom, it feels as though you need to be doing what everyone else is doing, even when it doesn’t align with your own values. University hook-up culture surrounds an attitude that prioritises casual sex, one-night stands and friends with benefits. While there’s nothing wrong with this, if you’re not engaging in it, it can feel like you’re the odd one out. For some students this can feel all-consuming. It can make you feel as though you’re doing something wrong, especially if casual sex just isn’t something you desire from your uni experience. 

Being a virgin is often joked about and is made to seem like a taboo subject; something that seems socially unacceptable, and feels shameful to admit. Students in particular can feel too awkward to talk about virginity, due to losing your virginity at quite a young age being seen as the norm. Having sexual experiences is usually linked to an idea of desirability, and the process of entering adulthood, which can be seen in the media we consume. Coming-of-age films often depict awkward main characters as inexperienced and undesirable, while successful, popular characters are portrayed as sexually active. These feelings of awkwardness and shame heighten when you come to university as a young adult and it suddenly seems like everyone around you is having loads of casual sex. The result is people often feel too scared to speak about their virginity in fear of being judged or ostracized. 

Here’s the thing – people will judge you if you’re a virgin and people will judge you if you’re not. For some people intimacy is personal, and they may want to wait until they’re in a secure and fulfilling relationship to have sex. For others it isn’t a big deal; it’s just something they enjoy casually, and may not carry the same emotional ties. Unfortunately, feelings of judgement can really impact your mental health, causing feelings of isolation and anxiety. This is why there should be more honesty and openness surrounding the subject, to combat the negative effects of not being able to speak about virginity.

Being honest about sex is important to create a healthier perspective around it and to alleviate the pressure of losing your virginity. Everybody is on their own path, whether casual sex is something you do often or never, and both should be validated. Constant talk about sex and virginity in films, on social media and in conversations with peers can contribute to the idea that everyone’s having casual sex, but going to the club doesn’t need to have the end goal of going home with somebody. It can be much more fulfilling to focus on having fun and dancing with your friends – and if you get lucky, it’ll be because it feels right for you in the moment. University is a time to figure out who you are, what you enjoy, and what you don’t. There is no deadline for intimacy, and simply not desiring it is never a bad thing. Everyone should be able to navigate their own space without pressure or shame. 

Words by Olivia Carolan