Settling the Age-Old Etiquette Question: Who Should Pay on the First Date?
Raechel Duddle discusses different ways to settle the bill for your first date. Is there ever a right answer?
Image credit: Wikimedia Commons
Picture this: you’re at a candle-lit dinner date and things are going really well. There’s flirting, laughing, and the eye contact is lingering just a little bit too long. Half of you is sad the date is nearly over, and the other half is just glad they weren’t an axe-murderer-in-disguise on a dating app.
Then, the waiter comes over with the cheque. Suddenly, the curious, playful eye contact becomes confused as you both fuss over who should cover the bill. If this has ever been you, you’ve come to the right place. Let’s settle this once and for all.
Firstly, it’s important to reflect on why this debate matters at all. For some, it’s simply nothing to read into, and for others, it’s hard not to over-analyse the early establishment of a power dynamic. When one person pays for the date, it can create a strings-attached kind of transaction where the payer expects something in return. On the other hand, how the bill is settled on the first date can also be an evaluation of its success, as the person who is paying is showing their commitment to the other person.
With all this in mind, what is the right answer?
Split the bill
This is a great option for anyone who doesn’t want to feel indebted to somebody or is confident in their independence. It creates an even playing field where nobody feels taken advantage of and everyone feels mutually respected. That said, it is also a nice, fair way to call it a day if you don’t envision any more outings with this person; after all, there’s nothing worse than being denied a second date and having to pick up the entire bill!
The initiator pays
According to the etiquette guide of Emily Post, “for a first date at least, the person who asks should pay unless both parties agree in advance to share expenses.” This approach works well when you aren’t sure of the other person’s income, or they propose and insist upon a date far beyond your budget.
Offer anyway
If the person you’re with simply won’t let you chip in and you’re comfortable with letting them pay, then that’s completely allowed! It doesn’t make you a bad feminist or a gold digger, just the recipient of a kind gesture. However, there is a golden rule: only accept if you are certain that you want another date with the person and if so, it will be your turn to cover the next one.
Ultimately, these are the most viable options that apply to a range of relationships, despite the usual heterosexual focus of this debate. Although men would historically pay for the woman they were courting, this was only because women were not allowed an income of their own and had no choice but to rely on the man to pay. Considering this, how does ‘letting the man pay’ translate into the modern age when dating apps and less rigid gender norms mean that anyone can ask someone out?
So, to put an end to this long-contested question, who should pay on the first date? Well, always show up to a date prepared to pay your fair share rather than assuming the other person will cover the entire expense. If someone is persisting to pay anyway, let them after double, triple, quadruple checking. However, it’s important that you insist on paying for the next one to make your interest clear and show that you aren’t taking advantage. Crucially, the date should be more about the experience than the financing, but for those who really cannot shake off the overthinking… rock, paper, scissors!
Words by Raechel Duddle