The Importance of Taking Yourself on Dates

“I know I can be so difficult sometimes

But I’m just trying to say I love you”

“Overtake” by Lila Tristram

Earlier this week, I treated myself to a date. I put on a nice outfit, the perfume that I save for special occasions, and set off for Hebden Bridge. Sitting in an Italian restaurant, I read my book and thought about how happy I was not to have to share a single slice of my pizza. For dessert, I had an affogato while chatting to the waitress – a conversation that inevitably only happened because I was alone.

After dinner, I went to an intimate concert of my favourite singer at the moment: Lila Tristram. For the last three months, her voice has been playing near-uninterrupted through my headphones. Ailsa Tully opened the concert, and the gentleness of her character and the softness of her voice left me with tears streaming down my cheeks. Once Lila’s set had begun, I was sitting spellbound in the front row as I watched her perform the songs I know so well and love so much. After the concert, I approached Lila and Ailsa, who made me feel so welcome in conversation, before I ran to catch the last train back to Leeds. It was an evening made infinitely more beautiful by my solitude, which enabled moments of connection with strangers that made me feel far from alone.

I want to love and care for myself in the way I treat the people who I hold closest, and taking myself on dates is part of this. I enjoy going to the cinema by myself and regularly visit art galleries alone. If I see some flowers that catch my eye, I buy them for myself and smile when I wake up to them each morning.

It can be difficult to carve out space in your week to spend time alone, especially amidst the business of student life. Crashing on the sofa and watching a film takes less effort than planning quality time alone. However, intentionally creating time to do something alone that you enjoy fosters an invaluable space of self-love and connection. Also, I have found that pushing myself into situations that feel uncomfortable, such as going for meals alone, has vastly improved my confidence. I don’t want to let my nervousness about what other people may think prevent me from doing what I want to do.

I think that the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic has impacted our perception of being alone. A time that, for many of us, was supposed to be spent in school and on endless hours with our friends was instead spent in our homes. Instead of learning a new language or how to play the piano, I spent my days (and nights) scrolling mindlessly on TikTok – an experience that I know to be shared by many others. After spending so much time in my own company, bored and resentful, I have found it difficult to reshape my attitude toward being alone. It can be hard to choose to spend time by myself when I now have the choice not to.

We were all told as children to “treat others how you would like to be treated”, but I think that “treat yourself as you treat others” can be equally valuable advice. In taking myself on dates, I have become secure, grounded and more confident and sociable in conversations with strangers. Trust me, asking for a table for one becomes so much easier with practice.

Words by Lila Frost