Lonely in a Crowd: Coping with Isolation at University

During my first month at university, I felt completely alone. I had lovely, kind and clean flatmates, the people on my course were welcoming and friendly, and I was comforted by older friends and family who reassured me that university was hard for them at first, too. As self-aware as I was, it provided little comfort to the loneliness that felt like weeks of being picked last for a team in P.E. I would scroll on Instagram and see people that had met yesterday posting as if they had known each other years and I would overhear people making plans for second year houses whilst I was still pretending to care about gap years and struggling to find seminar rooms.  

Safe to say I was out of my depth. I could be in a room full of people and would feel alone purely because I wasn’t in a position where I could be myself. No one here knew me, whereas at home I had a handful of friends whose conversation consisted of more depth than what degree I was studying and what my favourite night out during Freshers’ Week was. My loneliness stemmed from feeling unseen rather than physically being alone. It took me a while to come to terms with this, but once I did, it changed a lot for me. I started to see time to myself as a luxury because it was the time I felt the most me. I used it to scrapbook, journal and create.  

At home, time alone had been when I felt loneliest, but at university, it was the opposite; I was learning things about myself, reflecting and figuring out the person I wanted to be in Leeds. This solitude was something quite beautiful as I’d never really lived for myself before. I used to always do things with other people in mind, living through their eyes and moulding myself to their perception of me. So, when I changed the connotation of being alone from negative to positive, it took pressure off being the social butterfly I wanted to be and allowed me to do things at my own pace, leading me to nurture the right relationships.  

I’d be lying if I said I had it all figured out 3 years later. I still catch myself feeling unknown here in Leeds, but that’s bound to happen because people don’t know all the aspects that make you the person you are today. On the other hand, when I go home, sometimes I feel like I am transported back to the person I was when I was 18, and my development disappears.  

I think as we grow, isolation changes shape and reoccurs throughout our lives, and the best thing we can do is see it as a luxury. I remember telling a friend who was feeling this way recently that he would never have so little responsibility again. If you feel alone, unknown or unimportant, trust me, everyone does! Take it as a chance to be selfish. Do things for yourself, the stuff you feel you never have the time to do.

Words by Lola Stokes