Is having a boyfriend becoming grossly republican?
Image Credit: Grazia
No, I did not just write this article to make myself feel better about being single. Inspired by a piece written by Vogue recently, there is actual current speculation about whether having a boyfriend these days is becoming uncool and conservative, a reactionary attitude perhaps to the intensifying alt – right movement and fascist rhetoric. So, what specifically is causing the single lifestyle to become more en vogue?
From birth, women are sold the idea that their sole purpose in life is to find a man; a type of benchmark to determine a woman’s worth. But nowadays, there is arguably a consensus among women – which I have garnered from talking to any woman out there- that men are generally awful and not worth the hassle. Why has this opinion become so very popular? Is it that women are becoming more aware of men’s flaws? Or is the criteria for what determines a woman’s worth becoming more varied and indefinite?
Because of political polarization in which women are becoming by and large more left – leaning and many men are falling for more right – wing rhetoric, I would argue that women’s standards are increasing and perhaps many men are falling short of meeting these. And so, not having the stress and embarrassment of a boyfriend is just the easier, more liberating thing to do. Womanhood is becoming selfhood, rather than being largely male – centred.
Female outrage has sparked in correlation to the rise in right – wing politics. In the West, the political system is brimming with misogynistic fascists, such as the speaker for the Florida House who chose to describe pregnant women as “host bodies”, a dangerously dehumanising term which is prophesying how women’s bodily autonomy is being invaded. It seems that the U.S. and UK government are quite literally taking a leaf out of Margaret Atwood’s book ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’, but definitely not in the way she intended. Reform UK holds a similarly damaging view towards women’s rights – aligning themselves with extreme influencers like Tommy Robinson and others like Andrew Tate, who Farage has previously hailed as a “very important” figure for giving “emasculated” men direction. The only direction that these figures are leading men towards is a lifetime of bitterness and female resentment. Young men are being manipulated into believing that tired misogynistic clichés are the standard, and that feminism is some sort of social disease which is corrupting women, rather than making them conscious of negative male behaviour and fighting for equality. Unfortunately for them, women view this growing ‘incel’ culture of racism, homophobia and misogyny as quite unattractive and rather off-putting to put it lightly.
And so, in a climate of increasing political polarization between men and women, gender conflict has emerged. While of course not all men are hardcore incels, it seems many lack a clear vision of what masculinity is because recent online extremism and misleading concepts on intimacy have blurred the lines between toxic and healthy maleness. The consensus among women now seems to be that many men just don’t seem to get it, and the fears of the negatives of a relationship in this current socio – political climate far outweigh the potential positives.
As well as the fears of male incompetency, I think there is also a fear that having a boyfriend makes a woman become incredibly beige. Being hung up on someone is becoming often unbearably consuming; with an overload of misleading ideas on relationships such as love bombing, situationships and breadcrumbing, intimacy is being downplayed as casual and unimportant which is leading to every aspect of a relationship being unpicked and over – analysed. As women generally tend to overthink and analyse details of behaviour – which has intensified from online discourse and with men becoming increasingly more confusing in their intentions and untrustworthy-, relationships just don’t seem worth it now. The desire to nurture friendships and platonic love is becoming far more appealing when prioritising self-growth with the emerging concern that boyfriends typically lead to self-compromise. The concept that romantic love is the be all and end all has now reached its sell – by date; friendship particularly for women is viewed as largely more fulfilling and more stable than a boyfriend. The idea of having a boyfriend these days just seems oppressive and restrictive to a woman: there is something embarrassingly conservative about it.
I am far from naming and shaming men as being solely to blame for all this confusion. But what is clear is that parents are right: it really is that damn phone that has got us into this mess of what a relationship should mean. It seems both men and women are searching for romantic connection, but differing definitions between men and women of what the requirements are to gain genuine connection are now hazy, incomplete or, in the case of some men, downright chauvinistic and archaic. Perhaps having a boyfriend these days is somewhat humiliating, only because there is now a sort of fatalistic assumption of incompetency. Hope in relationships is sparse, and perhaps the answer for now is self – prioritisation and preservation. Could hope for relationships be regained with a dismantling of end-stage capitalism? As capitalism has cultivated a rapid – paced environment, it would seem romance has become commodified for clicks on social media, something to be hastily consumed rather than found and experienced authentically.
Both young men and women need to regain clarity on the purpose of romantic relationships. Society pressures us into viewing love as a checklist: have your first kiss by 16; your first relationship by 18; be married by 30; have kids by 35 and so on. Capitalism obsesses over man-made statistics like these, and seeks to destroy organic experiences as a means of control. It is necessary to be patient with ourselves and to slow down and take our time. Love runs deeper than aesthetics and performance.
Words by Eloise Sullivan-Flatt