“It’s Complicated”: The Rise of the Situationship Era 

This summer, whilst season 12 of Love Island was airing, my grandma rang me very confused. She’d been watching and wanted to know what the difference between being exclusive and being boyfriend and girlfriend was. I tried to explain what a situationship was and why labels mattered but struggled, because like many of us I hardly understand it myself. After my best attempt at an explanation, she simply declared it was sad. I couldn’t argue with that.  

I’ve been trying to piece together for a while now why this generation is so okay with semi-permanent relationships and hollow encounters, and my best guess is that it’s a combination of high expectations, ego and fear of commitment. 

We grew up being told love stories in songs, movies and books. Love is placed on a pedestal and for many, it’s the end goal. However, due to a shift in societal norms, we also grew up witnessing a higher divorce rate and people being more open when partners betrayed them. We’ve grown up knowing the risk of love and people fear getting hurt, we’re scared of being vulnerable, scared no one will live up to our expectations and scared of becoming one of those horror stories you hear about- or see unravel live at a Coldplay concert. 

Expectations are higher because there’s new aspects to a relationship in the digital age. Following models on Instagram, not blocking ex’s, taking longer than 2 hours to reply, even losing a streak- these are all things I’ve known couples to argue about that older generations wouldn’t have had to deal with whilst dating in their early 20’s. Now that there’s more reasons to argue with a boyfriend or girlfriend there’s also more reasons to break up with someone, this is the risk people aren’t willing to take. 

Even British Vogue has done an article on how having a boyfriend is “embarrassing”, highlighting how women feel the need to keep relationships on the down low so if their partner deceives them, they can save face. Being broken-hearted can feel embarrassing and no one wants to be embarrassed, so to avoid being broken-hearted people avoid love and commitment. We set our standards high so when we eventually take this risk that is love, we’re satisfied we’ve done enough damage control and can truly trust them.  

So, if we have higher expectations for a relationship why have we created a whole new category? Why not just avoid a label altogether? This is where I think ego comes into it. Naturally people want to feel wanted, needed and admired. It’s almost innate. So does a situationship give us enough constant validation to fuel our egos without having to commit completely? I think so. Even if one person is willing to take that next step to commitment and the other can’t quite face it. Neither leave because both their egos are getting fuelled. 

When it fizzles out it’s almost always down to one person not wanting to commit- fear of commitment: the virus intercepting most young adults. Whether they’re scared of getting hurt, of hurting someone else, of wasting their youth in a relationship or whatever else it might be, the fear of commitment is most likely the leading factor in the “it’s complicated” era. We don’t want to tie ourselves down and have someone else rely on us especially if we can’t even rely on ourselves. Ultimately a situationship gives us the benefits of emotional and physical intimacy without the risk of having to be vulnerable. It’s an easy and reliable way to feed our need for validation whilst avoiding responsibility and heartbreak. And if, like mine, your grandparents think it’s sad, they’re likely grieving the spontaneity societies lost thanks to overthinking killing casual dating.