Is It a Red Flag to Look for Red Flags?

In a world where connections spark by sliding into DMs or sending a like on Hinge, it’s no wonder that the excitement of a first date is often overshadowed by caution. Scanning for red flags now appears to be an almost inevitable ritual as we navigate old, yet comforting, as well as new and electrifying romantic interests. It’s a well-practised self-defence mechanism. Yet, this same precautionary measure could indeed also be self-sabotage. 

With fragile hearts and a shared desire for human connection, we all have one thing in common: none of us want to get hurt. So, what seems to be the best way to avoid it… or attempt to? Identifying someone’s potential cons—the qualities that flash red and warn us to run- could be preventing an eventual heartbreak. Is that so bad? Is it, indeed, a red flag to look for red flags? To that, I say no. Exercising caution and looking for red flags is a healthy step in protecting ourselves from possible future pain and damage. At the end of the day, no one enjoys a broken heart. 

Sometimes though, red flags may turn out to be minor quirks and not worth losing a good person over. It’s important to keep in mind that red flags are subjective. What is a red flag to one person might be an orange flag to the next and so on. So, although your friend might grimace at something your date does, that doesn’t necessarily mean it should be a red flag for you as well.

But, when does it get tricky? Where is the limit? The limit is when we begin to define people by their so-called red flags. Although these signs are, and should be, part of the equation, they should definitely not be the entirety of it. People are beautifully complex and multi-layered. Everyone carries their own past hurt, insecurities, boundaries, and also growth, but it all comes down to what they do with this history. Paying too much attention to disputable red flags can prevent us from seeing other positive qualities like kindness, humour, or shared interests.

Of course, I am not advocating to dismiss major red flags like manipulative behaviour, dishonesty, a disregard for boundaries, or infidelity. That is precisely why looking for red flags is not, actually, a red flag. It’s necessary to be cautious with who we bring into our lives. Identifying red flags prevents us from investing time into something that might ultimately feel like a waste. 

Like everything in life, it’s all about balance. Whilst it is wise to remain vigilant, we should also leave room for new opportunities, vulnerabilities, and connections. Embracing the complexities and quirks of others can potentially lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships. However, it’s always good to acknowledge another’s negative qualities, despite their positive traits, and know where to draw the line. Recognising that someone is not for you is perfectly okay.

In the end, maybe identifying red flags is not merely an act of self-preservation; it’s part of cultivating a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. It gives us the opportunity to enter connections with clarity and an openness to the complexities that make us uniquely human. As we embrace this, know that the right connections are worth the journey, even if this may be the one we forge with ourselves.

Words by Aria Aristotelous