The Power of No: Setting Boundaries & Prioritising Self-Care
As a people-pleaser, I’ve always struggled to utter the word “no”. Nonetheless, it is crucial to be able to assertively decline requests and prioritise our own well-being. As students, we have long to-do lists for various facets of life – academics, extra-curriculars, jobs, social lives, etc. We only have so much time to balance all this whilst keeping our mental and physical health in check – thus it’s vital to carve out time exclusively for self-care. To that end, we must understand the importance of saying ‘no’ as a right for everyone.
In our current culture of hustle and bustle and information overload, students can often find themselves drowning in an ocean of overcommitment.
In our current culture of hustle and bustle and information overload, students can often find themselves drowning in an ocean of overcommitment. With FOMO (the fear of missing out), this culture can drive us to say yes to everything that we see as an unmissable opportunity – before considering our own will and ability. This overcommitment can lead to burnout, stress, and invalid socialisation.
No Boundaries, No Balance
Learning to say ‘no’ is not about avoiding challenges or opportunities. It instead teaches us to respect and focus on our own needs and limits. As students, we are in the midst of growing out of the attachment and reliance on family. Thus as individuals, it’s understandable that we would want to seek out and build connections with like minded peers who are in this same stage of life. However, without well-established boundaries, we may become over-attached and co-dependent to those around us – failing to embrace our newfound sense of independence.
Therefore, it is vital to set boundaries in student life in order to foster healthy relationships and personal development. During term time a lot of us live on campus or in student accommodation. There is, however, still a need to log off from the identity of being a student after working hours. These ‘working hours’ do not refer to time spent studying, but to the contact time we have with our course-mates and friends. Setting boundaries is not just for introverts or people who need more private time – it’s also for students who find it exhausting to go out for every occasion that they feel pressured to say yes to. This combination of living in student-accom, course-time and society related events is often the cause of our social burnout. Outside of these hours, our personal space should be considered and listed as a priority when we plan out our time. This doesn’t mean cutting out all friends and making student life lonely, but instead refers to your right to balance your personal and social life. Treat them as equal as they should be – and don’t let that FOMO get to you.
At first, it might be hard to navigate and establish your own set of boundaries. Particularly for people pleasers, you might feel the urge to say ‘yes’ when people ask you a seemingly manageable favour. If you know that you cannot realistically complete this favour amongst other work, or it is simply not your responsibility, don’t worry about upsetting people. Saying no and setting those boundaries is a continuous learning process – recognising your own will is already a step towards the goal of prioritising yourself.
How to Set Those Healthy Limits
It’s always good to start small. Here is an example of how you can do so in a less challenging situation:
Imagine you live in a flat of four students, and your flatmates often suggest eating out in places that are outside of your budget. As a people-pleaser, you find it hard to decline these invitations and it thus imposes a negative impact on both your time and finances.
Begin by reflecting on your living habits. Acknowledge that prioritising your well-being is more important than constantly going out with flatmates purely to avoid feeling guilty about declining invitations. There is no need to feel guilty here- you will still have time to socialise with them. They should be considerate of you and make an effort to find ways to hang out that doesn’t invade your personal space and time. This step might be a little harder, but it is important to express your needs assertively. Remember – this does not symbolise a full stop in socialising! If possible, offer alternatives that align with your own schedule and needs. Perhaps suggest a different time, or propose another plan to hang out with them that better suits your lifestyle. This shows that you want and are willing to socialise with them whilst still prioritising your personal needs.
Saying No: Practice Makes Perfect
By understanding that it’s simply another way to prioritise oneself, you will eventually become more comfortable and confident with saying ‘no’. You don’t need a good reason – you are reason enough. Setting boundaries is not selfish, but simply an act of self-care.
At first, it can be difficult to change your natural response to ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’. Regardless, it is a part of personal growth, and you will learn a lot through the process of navigating and establishing boundaries. In fast-paced student life, the power of ‘no’ should be valued and widely discussed. Setting boundaries and prioritising self-care should not be perceived as a sign of weakness, but rather as a lifestyle choice for fostering healthy relationships and maintaining one’s well-being.
Setting boundaries is not about keeping people away, rather it is a powerful act of self-care.
Michelle Maros, Co-founder of Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life
